I have finally figured out the best way to watch American Idol.  Sure, not watching it at all would be a better alternative to spend my time, as doing just about anything else would be more productive.  But DVR’ing just the resuts show and getting glimpses of the previous night’s performances and fast forwarding to the “good” parts is definitely the way to go.

I think last night we “watched” Idol for a total of 12 minutes. Did over 50 million people really vote for contestants on the show?  Who are these people? Yes, I realize that it’s likely closer to 5 million people voting 10 times each because they are crazy and don’t have anything better to do. I have never been so moved by a performance that I had to pick up the phone to call and vote. I don’t  know anyone who votes for any of these shows.  At least I don’t know anyone who would admit to it in public. Well, besides my Dad, who once voted for Emmitt Smith on Dancing With the Stars… but that’s a different story.

Really I just wanted to see Dave Matthews Junior on the show.  He is somewhat awkward and seems to shy away from wanting the attention and limelight.  Of course in the same week J. Lo and Julianne Hough

J Ho

J Lo

basically stated that they thought he was dreamy. Now who wouldn’t want that? So Phillip Phillips was safe for another week. I would never claim to know as much as the judges on the show, but when Steven Tyler (sober? – maybe?) compared him to Steve McQueen and Johnny Cash, I thought perhaps Steven may have been back on the sauce.

The fact that when you google Phillip, and Phillip Phillips is the 3rd most popular item according to the auto-fill, I would say things are going ok for this kid.  However when you then click on his name and the majority of subject matter is referencing how similar he is to Dave Matthews… I wonder if Mr. Tyler has lost touch with current events and pop culture. Maybe there is a reason they don’t want to throw Dave Matthews’ name out on the show. I imagine he is on a different label and they only like to promote their own.  But as a DMB fan who has seen them live on numerous occasions, the similarities are obvious after listening or even just watching P.P. for 5 seconds.  The facial expressions, the 2 step dancing while playing the guitar, and yes, the actual vocals… if you had your eyes closed, you wouldn’t even know it wasn’t the real thing.

Dave? or PP?

PP? or Dave?

But why do I care?  I couldn’t tell you who the Idol winner was since Carrie Underwood.  In fact I couldn’t even tell you when she won. Now all of the seasons run together and no one is memorable.  I am pretty sure P.P. will be all but forgotten in 6 months. He may be better off not winning the competition. But again… why do I care? The show has been on the air for 10 years… can anyone name more than 3 winners?  But I bet everyone has heard Daughtry on the radio.

The show has become a train wreck.  Not so much as when Paula Abdul was on and couldn’t remember who was singing what song. But it’s the same show week after week, year after year. Simon Cowell was the star of the show. Now you have J.Lo and Steven Tyler duking it out trying to stretch out their careers.  And if I hear J. Lo mention the word goosies again I may kick my dog just from instintive reaction. Not my boy Riley!

Yo Dog

I’m talking about my dog Randy Jackson.  Yo Yo YO!!!  Anytime someone can say dawg as much as he does and talk about absolutely nothing like he does and still hang onto his career, it’s impressive.  But I am pretty sure I would have a more interesting conversation with my dog Riley than my dawg Randy.  The guy talks in circles (yo, yo… I liked it, but it was a bit pitchy… but yeah dawg… I liked it) and provides nothing but interesting bedazzled clothing with DOG (DAWG) emblazoned on a diamond chain or studded pin.

He doesn’t look nearly as foolish as Tyler though.  Although Steve Tyler dresses like a gypsy and speaks in tongues, he has also managed to provide little to no useful feedback for the contestants. But his greatest treat to date for the American public, and his official jumping of the shark has to be the new Burger King commercial.WHAT A TRAIN WRECK.  I think the dream is over for him, or perhaps he should keep dreaming on.  And J. Lo… look, everyone knows you can dance and some would even say you can sing, but I think I have figured out why you have been divorced so many times… just stop talking.  Please???

It’s scary to think that the most valuable commodity that American Idol has going for it is… Seacrest, OUT.  The guy has the midas touch. Did anyone besides the folks at E! actually think following the Kardashians around non stop was a good idea? – and now there are 4 reality shows with that crew. Everything the guy does is successful and seems to make money.  Radio, TV, Production… he is a regular Dick Clark (god rest his American teenager soul). Seacrest has become ridiculously wealthy, is everywear, has a beautiful girlfriend, and is living a charmed life.  Even J. Lo is jealous of how pretty he is.

So Pretty

Yes, I am resentful of him… but not nearly as much as Dunkelman is.  OUCH.

So as I have been writing this I have talked myself out of watching the show again.  At least for the near future.  I can think of a lot of other things I can spend my time doing.  Like watching The Voice.

Franklin, OUT.