Evidently, the title of this post are words that I speak frequently. According to my wife, after being asked a question like “can I get you a drink?“, I will often answer with “not right now“.

She has recently let me know that uttering that phrase can lead one to believe that they should check in with me to see if my needs have changed. Or as she said… “Do I ask you 5 minutes later? Do I ask you a half hour later? Do I ask you 2 hours later if you need anything?”  Just to clarify, she never asks.  But she wanted to point out that my words can lead one to believe that they should.  And to think, I was just trying to be polite.

At this point it should be noted that Anne can be a grammar snob. It’s not really her fault, it’s hereditary. I learned the hard way after sending an email to my future father-in-law.  I had just proposed and wrote

Dear Lesburg’s – Thanks again for coming down on Saturday to help make the day so special for Anne and I.  It is wonderful to have family around to celebrate!  Looking forward to seeing everyone again soon.

In response I received

So you may feel included in the Family Lesburg, may I point out that “Anne and I” is incorrect to the extent that “I” should be “me”, the object of the preposition “for”.  I hope you will take this modest instruction in the jesting manner in which it is promulgated and more fully understand that to which Anne was subjected as she grew up, and boy did she grow up.

I responded with

I do appreciate the ongoing grammar lessons.  It was never one of my strong points, and will likely keep you busy going forward!

The response that has continued to give me nightmares since July 09, 2007

I expect improvement along the way and will settle for nothing less, or put another way, a lack of improvement is that up with which I will not put.  Please do not get upset.

So now when drafting an email, not only do I need to worry about spelling, but it is necessary at the very least to:

• know when to say Anne and I, me and Anne or is it Anne and me (something about the object of the blah blah blah)
• when to say who or whom
• proper punctuation
• never ending a sentence with a preposition

Perhaps Anne’s dad had a hand in putting this list together.

So now after having my errors pointed out, much like an 8th grade English exam with red marks up and down (oh the memories), I had to figure out a way not to be the laughing stock of my newly acquired family.  Keep in mind, I went to Radford and now would be surrounded by the Ivy league.  It was time to take to heart the old adage of… better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

This led me to take the drastic step of sending an email to Anne for proofreading before ever sending it on up the food chain (yes, really).  I roll the dice now and send them directly to my father in law, but definitely give them a better look over prior to hitting send than the typical email.

All this talk of my annoying tendency, led into a discussion about some other wonderful things I do to my wife (and others, I assume).

At the top of the list:

1. Asking if she needs any help, just as she is finishing
2. Falling asleep first and then having to listen to me snore
3. Zero organization of the Tupperware containers
4. Scratching my balls in my sleep
5. Having a blatant disregard for her nostrils (what can I say… I’m gassy by nature)
6. My OCD on just a couple issues and evident lack on all others
7. Thinking it’s my fault whenever she is in a bad mood

What can I say? I must have some positive qualities that are endearing to her. When I asked her to list those off I think you could hear the crickets, which is of course the exact opposite from when I asked her to tell me a couple of things that annoy her. I had to ask her to slow down from rattling them off so quickly so I could write them down… Of course she found that annoying too!

So now I often find myself asking my wife if there is anything I can do to help. Her new standard answer – “not right now“.

Guess I’ll just keep asking…