Stop me if you’ve heard this before. I’M BACK.

Not so much blogging, but back and focused on weight loss.

I discovered it’s not the weight loss that is the hard part (yes, it is a grind). But it’s the maintaining that takes the real work, or should I say real discipline. I honestly believed that I could get to the weight I wanted to and go back to enjoying the foods I always did – continuing running or some other form of exercise to maintain. Of course I never did hit my ultimate goal of 100 pounds lost, but that’s another story.

Well… I couldn’t have been more wrong. See, what happens, at least for me is that when I eat crappy… I feel crappy. And guess who doesn’t want to run when they feel crappy? {the big guy in the back raises his hand} Sure, I was still getting out and exercising a few days a week, but that burning desire that I had built up had dissipated. I made excuses for myself based on half truths such as “I injured my foot” and “I couldn’t find the time” to go for a run – you know the good ole life got in the way.

Moderation has always been a struggle for me. It seems like it’s all or none. And with food, I can make the conscious decision to eat healthy and cut out all the junk… or eat whatever my eyes lock in on. I simply can’t have a small bite of dessert and be satified. I know some people have that ability and perhaps over time I can learn it, but it’s not currently part of my personality.

So I’ve been lingering around 270-275 lbs for a good 4 months now. But that is not the weight I want to maintain. I would put some energy back into a program to jumpstart my weight loss routine again, but couldn’t manage to string more than 3 or 4 days in a row before falling off the wagon. Being stagnant at that weight wasn’t what I had planned. However, it was the weight I was at when I got married in ’08 and thought I looked pretty good. Turns out pretty good for me was still a sloppy mess to most.

Now it’s not all doom and gloom. In fact, just a few weeks ago I completed my second half marathon (The D.C. Rock and Roll) and amazingly finished just a few minutes slower than my first attempt with much less training this go around. i.e. – one doesn’t want to run when one eats like crap. But I had signed up months before and wasn’t going to let my money go to waste. Part of what has woken me up from my lack of discipline was seeing the photos taken on the course. As usual, there isn’t one that I really liked. In fact… I hated each one I saw more and more. I looked tired, I looked worn out, I looked unhealthy. And it wasn’t just from dripping with sweat and a bloody nipple.

For the past 2 months, I have been working as a pace coach with Fleet Feet assisting on a weekly run for their 10k program. It’s been a good experience, and while I hardly think of myself as an expert, it has made me think back to how far I’ve come. This was the same program that I did less than a year ago and I have enjoyed the leadership role and talking about my history… and what got me into running in the first place. And when I tell my story of how I lost all this weight, I’ve been having a hard time doing it with any conviction. As part of me feels like a failure for letting old habits continue to haunt me. And that’s not what I want.

Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of what I accomplished. At one point I had lost 75lbs. But by gaining 25 back slowly – it’s just not as good of a story… and I am just not as proud of what I currently look like. However, I do want to get back to not only where I was, but where I was headed. I’m not sure how and I am not sure why, but yesterday something just clicked for me. I’ve learned what to do in the past and yesterday the mental part kicked it once again and I am ready to push for the results.

I imagine over the course of my life, this will never be easy. Perhaps it will get easier, but it will be a conscious effort that requires me to make conscious decisions on a daily basis. Unforuntately I am not “one of those people” who can eat whatever they want and never gain weight. Maybe in another life… For now, and for the foreseeable future, it’s calorie counting and daily exercise.

See you at the finish line.