I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about all of the wrongs I have done in my life. I strongly believe in karma or as I call it, “the scales of balance.”  The universe has a way of paying you back for the good things, as well as the bad things that you do.  And last week we received news that sent me into a mind fuck that has me feeling like I am being punished for stupid shit I did when I was younger.

The thing is, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my wife does not deserve what has happened.  So there has to be another reason. I have to hold onto what I’ve heard for years and years… LIFE ISN’T FAIR.

I was pretty depressed for the majority of the fall and winter.  I’d like to call it a funk, but it was a little more serious than that. Don’t get me wrong, there were some great and happy moments, it wasn’t all doom and gloom.  But after riding a high of spending our 4th anniversary in London and Paris, we returned home to find out that Anne had a miscarriage.

It was a tough blow to take. We were ecstatic for our family. Everything was falling into place – and in a moment it was gone. Much like many of life’s experiences… you truly never know what something really means until it happens to you.  I had known people who had experienced this loss, but it didn’t have any effect on me.  However when I heard the news when it was my own, my heart sank.  Not just for me, but also for Anne and Matthew.  I can say that I can truly sympathize with anyone that has to go through this.

I’m not sure I handled it the best that I could.  For the most part I kept my emotions buckled down.  Anne and I didn’t speak much about it, and I only told a handful of friends when it came up through conversation.  I found it difficult to discuss, and at the same time hopeful that I could just move on.  I did my best to keep a positive attitude, knowing that we would try again when we could.

Some days were better than others.  It got especially difficult for me being surrounded by friends and family having babies.  It made me think a lot of “what if’s?”  I have four friends due with their first child in the next couple of months.  And my sister just had her second child earlier this month. (Her due date was about a week after Anne’s). I am genuinely happy for all of them, I really am.  But at the same time I am constantly thinking… that should be us.

One thing more than any other kept my head up – and that was I am lucky enough to already have a great kid.  And he is great.  Actually I have moved on to describing Matthew as awesome.

Because whenever someone asks me how he is doing… my new standard answer is, “he is awesome.”  My little man turned 2 this week and I couldn’t be prouder.  I always knew kids could be a lot of fun, but I think he really does bring out the best in me.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think how lucky I am to have him.  During the tough days of the fall, I thought about him more than usual and came to realize how grateful I was to already have such a wonderful kid.  I can only imagine the reaction of someone who doesn’t already have a kid after hearing the news that it was gone.  I know hugging Matthew tighter and more often and showing him my love and affection daily helped me.

About a month ago Anne took a pregnancy test and we were back on cloud nine.  I tried to temper my excitement, but it was difficult.  I was excited that she was pregnant again, that Matthew was going to be a big brother, that I wouldn’t be 65 at my kids HS graduation, and I couldn’t wait to share the news with everyone.  Unfortunately, the news I am sharing now is the same from the fall.

The morning of the doctor’s visit I could tell Anne was raring to go, as was I.  But I had a little seed of doubt and was nervous that all would be ok.  As soon as the sonogram started, I feared the worst… all was quiet.  I hadn’t been with Anne on the previous 2 visits for the first sonogram, but I distincly remember her telling me how ecstatic she was hearing the baby’s heart beat for the first time.  And I’ll always remember the sheer joy in her voice that day.   Unfortunately there was no heart beat and we found out it was not to be.

As I sat in the office, it was difficult for me to make eye contact with Anne.  I was trying to be strong, trying to be her rock.  But the fact of the matter was – all of the air had been sucked out of me.  I was devastated.  Really crushed that once again we are being dealt this blow.  I tried to keep my composure and kept telling Anne (while trying to convince myself) that it was o.k.  We are going to be o.k.  And I know we eventually will be.  But its a tough sell in the moment.

I know it’s o.k. to be sad.  And I am going to let myself be sad for a while.  However, I am going to try and handle this go round a little differently.  I am going to try and spin it and help it make me a stronger person, which is why I decided to write about this topic.  I am not going to hold all my feelings inside.  I am going to cry when I need to, yell when I need to, punch a wall when I need to, randomly yell out fuck when I need to – and then try to continue to hold it all together.  And I am going to continue to hug Matthew more often and tell him often how much I love him.

Matty Lo enjoying his party

We had a birthday party for Matthew this past weekend, and it was great to see family and friends all together.  It was also a nice mental distraction to stop all of the negative thoughts I have been having.  I want to learn to take the energy of feeling sorry for myself and my family and turn it into something positive.  I know it won’t be easy, and I know it won’t happen overnight… and there likely will be bumps in the road.  But the fact of the matter is, I have a great life – and I need to remember that.  I have a great wife, an awesome kid, a great family and great friends, a good job, a beautiful home, and lots of toys to play with.

And when the time is right, we will try again.  After all, Matthew will be an awesome big brother.