Over the last several years I have really grown to hate people that lie.  I’m not sure exactly why, although it likely has something to do with the 25+ employees I manage who consistently lie on a daily basis.  Who then try to cover up their lies with more lies, but yet I am suppose to continue to assume positive intent.  In fact, I hate liars so much that when I recently told a lie, I felt so guilt ridden (even though my white lie was to protect someone) that I ended up coming clean to rid that sensation in my stomach of something eating away at me.

But yet I have been lying myself for the last year.

I have truly let myself go.  Old habits are haunting me.  I can find excuses at every turn, but I know that if I really wanted to commit to a healthy lifestyle, I could.  I worked so hard for 365 days to shed weight from July 2011-July 2012.

In my prime

And each time I have gotten on the scale over the last year and have seen the numbers moving in the wrong direction… I have lied to myself.  Thinking I can lose that 5 I gained back – easily.  OK, so now I’ve gained 10 pounds – I can focus for a few weeks and shed it off.  Alright, now I’ve gained 20 pounds – time to get serious.  And now here we are, 40 pounds gained… more than half of what I originally lost.

I tried to mask the weight gain by joking about how I am the only person who gains weight while training for a 1/2 marathon.  I’ve run 4 of them this year.  But the fact of the matter is, I haven’t trained like I did in 2012.  I haven’t been committed to getting my runs in during the week.  I used the excuse that life got in the way.  Sure it did, but that will always happen if you let it.  If my commitment level was were it had been the previous year, I would have found a way.  I would have woken up early in the morning to get my workouts in.  I would have chosen to go to the gym in the evening and burn carlories doing cardio.  But the couch once again became one of my best friends.  What was on TV became suddenly important… because you know, it couldn’t be DVR’d.

Looking back I really believed that I could eat whatever I wanted to as long as I continued to work out.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  If you eat like crap, you feel like crap.  And when you feel like crap, the last thing you want to do is go for a run, or ride your bike.  Nope, the couch is where it’s at.  And if you’re anything like me, when you sit on the couch watching tv – you eat.  Sometimes even when your not hungry… just out of sheer boredom.

This past weekend I ran in the Baltimore 1/2 Marathon.  Something I had been looking forward to for 5 months.  But again, lying to myself over the past 6 weeks that I would be ready for it.  I had logged just one run since the last 1/2 in September.  And sure enough before I hit mile 2, something hit me.  I injured myself.  I felt a twinge in my right hip area that hurt with each passing step… so much so I could barely run.  I felt like an old man, but I continued on.  I ended up walking a good portion of the race as I was feeling pain even when walking.  Running downhill hurt as much as running uphill.  And as I crossed the finish line at 2:57 it felt as though I was staring at myself in the mirror asking what am I doing.

Just like looking in the mirror, I received pictures of myself throughout the course emailed to me this week.

WTF

WHAT A FUCKING DISASTER.  I couln’t believe what I looked like.  I am certainly not the most vain person in the world, but I was distraught by what I saw.  I immediately sent them to my wife and asked if this was a true representation of what I looked like on a daily basis.  Of course, at the same time I was asking her to question, does she realize she is married to a mess?  She eloquently took the high road stating that the pictures captured me in an unflattering position.  Just one of the reasons why I love her.

So now it is time to love myself again.  Those pictures will make their way to the refrigerator as a constant reminder every time I reach for something I shouldn’t.  And the tracking board that was in the kitchen pre-renovation is getting put back up with the running totals of weight loss to date, and what remains before hitting the goal.  No one is more dissapointed in me, than me… but now it’s time to hit the reset button and start over.  This time, I’ll do it better.